When Hannah was eight years old, she started acting out in school. She began to have outbursts in class and would disobey her teachers. She received an in-school suspension for her behavior, and after her third grade year, her parents decided to pull her out of public school. Though in a different environment, Hannah’s behavior persisted.
Hannah’s brother was born around this time, and adjustments were made as a little one entered the family. Hannah adored her brother and loved entering her little brother’s world, matching his goofiness and playfulness. The years went by, and Hannah soon entered her teenage years when her inner turmoil intensified. It felt at times her brother was her only friend.
Hannah hid her tears from her parents, and as she continued to receive discipline for her behavior at home, she was not only confined to the house, but her voice began to falter as she struggled to understand her own actions.
Hannah’s parents brought her to Christian Encounter for a tour, and a month later she arrived as a student. She remembers standing in the reception office on her first day, reading the decal on the wall: “Overcoming the cycles of brokenness, one story at a time.” That statement settled into her heart, and it occurred to her this would be her home for the next year.
“I wanted to disappear into the floor,” Hannah recalls at her first mealtime announcement circle. “I was the homeschooled kid that didn’t talk to anybody. I was just trying to get straight A’s in class.” Hannah would check the chore chart several times a day, terrified of making a mistake.
Hannah’s struggle was continually directed inward. When she didn’t perform to her own expectations in school, her response was, “I hate myself.” These three words were her exhale of disappointment.
With limited social interaction prior to coming to the Ranch, living in a community was a big adjustment. As Hannah began to share with others her vast knowledge of chickens and her love of horses and LEGO, doors for relationships were opened, and she began to find her place in the family. She started to learn how to maintain healthy relationships and the importance of open communication. “It would take me a month to say sorry, or I would say sorry for everything.”
In February on the Girls’ Igloo trip, Hannah’s discomfort was heightened in this new environment. However, over the four-day trip she realized there was a freedom to being outdoors in the snow with just the girls. As she saw the others having fun and making the most of the experience, Hannah joined in. She had thought, “I’m ashamed of who I was, so I’m going to hide who I am.” Then on the trip she realized, “Who I was is not who I am. I felt so free and for the first time in a while, I felt joyful. I found that the walls I put up in self-protection can be just as harmful as what I am trying to keep away.”
As Hannah began to take responsibility for past actions, instead of blaming herself, she learned the path forward meant forgiving herself for the hurt she had caused others. Her understanding of God’s love grew as those around her continually challenged the beliefs about herself she was hiding behind. Experiencing the Agony Ride in July drove the point home in her heart of the power and reality of Jesus’ act on the cross. “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).” Forgiving herself was choosing to truly trust in God’s forgiveness.
On the Wilderness Trip in August, Hannah was once again confronting her fear of the unknown. But now, it seemed that her faith was overcoming her fear. She decided to get baptized on the trip - publicly declaring her trust in the Lord.
In September, Hannah got to serve at a fundraising banquet for a local nonprofit - another opportunity to step outside of her comfort zone. And just last month, Hannah completed the program and moved into the Girls’ Transition House (pictured above).
“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.” Psalm 13:5-6
