Phoebe stood at the front of the room, voice quavering and tears streaming down her cheeks. It was Spiritual Emphasis Week at the Ranch, and Phoebe had been given the opportunity to share her testimony with the Ranch family.
Phoebe shared with us her deep grief. Grief from abandonment, from abuse, from poor choices, from significant loss. She spoke of the deep seated lies that had dictated her decisions that resulted in destruction. Adopted when she was 18 months old, the neglect from those early months of infancy would have lasting ramifications. Phoebe had resisted any help that was offered from her parents. She had come to only trust in herself. However, when her biological grandfather mentioned that her uncle had benefited from a program called Christian Encounter, out of curiosity Phoebe looked it up. The door was opened to her, and she reluctantly stepped in.
Upon arrival, Phoebe was donned in all black, wearing a vest with skulls and a black fedora. In conversation, her laugh was hollow. She used humor to deflect what really lay beneath. Phoebe was determined to maintain the persona she had carefully constructed.
The next several months would involve the dismantling of this persona, allowing her true self to be laid bare. Phoebe remembers an intern who was here when she had first arrived - someone who was quirky and unabashedly herself. This gave Phoebe permission to let her quirks show, too. In August, the wilderness trip presented many
challenges where Phoebe would need to lean on others in order to see the 15-day trip through to completion.
“I used to think I could do everything by myself. Then God said, ‘Now you have a Ranch family.’”
Still, building trust in relationships would take time. Phoebe cites her fifth month as when she really began to open up in counseling. She had turned to self destructive habits once again, not knowing how to cope with what she was feeling. “I used to think I could do everything by myself. Then God said, ‘Now you have a Ranch family.’”
Phoebe’s relationship with her intern discipler, Madi, also began to strengthen as Phoebe began to acknowledge God’s presence in her life. Phoebe confided to Madi, “I desperately need help. I can’t do this alone.” Madi encouraged her to bring this to the Lord. On the Girls’ Igloo Trip in February, Phoebe was getting into her sleeping bag on the second night when a thought came into her head: “‘It will be okay, my child. I am in control. All you have to do is see that truth and let go; it will be freeing.’ I believe God was saying this to me for I would not have continued through the trip if I hadn’t clung onto those words.”
These words of reassurance have allowed Phoebe to continue in her pursuit of wholeness. As the dismantling continues, there is opportunity for a new foundation to be built.
Phoebe is training her gaze on the Good Shepherd, learning to trust His voice.
“‘For this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness…. I will tend them in a good pasture, and the mountain heights of Israel will be their grazing land. There they will lie down in good grazing land, and there they will feed in a rich pasture on the mountains of Israel. I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign Lord.” Ezekiel 34:11-12,14-15
Zoya Lee
